Genies and Genin
by RadioCKat
Summary: Hari Potter had always been one of Death's... quirkier Mistresses, but even for her this was crazy; "Just stick me in a lamp and throw me in another dimension." "…Why?" "I'm bored. Plus, I think I'm gonna make a kickass genie!" And of course, she just HAD to fall into the hands of the boy with a powerful, murderous, sociopath of a fox sealed inside him. Typical. Fem!HarryMoD!Harry
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"You want me to… what?" Death had gotten a lot of strange requests from his Mistress, but this one took the cake.

"Stick me in a lamp and throw me into another dimension." Hari said cheerfully, from where she was sprawled on her apartment sofa. Death felt another migraine coming on; he hadn't known he even _could_ get headaches before he had met the green eyed girl. It really _shouldn't_ have been possible, considering the fact that he was an entity of pure power (and also, technically, a skeleton).

But Hari just _lived_ to break the rules.

"And you want me to do this why, exactly?" Death asked.

"I'm _borrrrreeed~"_ She pouted. Death tilted his skull in annoyance. _Of course_. Out of all of the stages of Hari's existence since she had become Mistress of Death, the 'Stage of Boredom' had given him the most headaches.

He almost missed the first one- the 'Stage of Denial and Angst', when Hari had first realized the consequences of uniting the Hallows. She couldn't die, she had insane power, she would outlive all of her friends, she could never see her family in the afterlife… there had been a _lot_ of melodrama, and tears, and misery, and…

No, on second thoughts, Death _definitely_ didn't miss the first stage- the second maybe: the 'Stage of Helpfulness'. Hari had decided to use her massive power to heal and save as many as possible, throwing herself into her knowledge of healing and becoming St Mungo's miracle worker.

But actually, that hadn't been all that fun- she had barely even acknowledged him during that stage, except to ask how to cure a particular disease, or heal a particular wound, to his immense displeasure.

He was the single most powerful entity in the universe, his Mistress should pay attention to him, dammit!

The third stage had actually been fun- the 'Stage of Living', where Hari had decided she was going to 'live life to the fullest'. She had done a ridiculous amount of ridiculous stuff- for example, she found Atlantis, raised a dragon, fought a nundu (then cuddled up to it, because it was 'so fluffy!'), discovered 'Britain's Got Talent', then learned to bellydance so she could compete on it, became Minister of Magic for a while, made up some of the most ridiculous laws in history (including briefly outlawing Mondays) and instigated an 'Annual Nationwide Flashmob' that Death was fairly sure had continued for three centuries.

Yep, 'Stage of Living' had been funnest (Death had decided that it was a word, so it was a word! _…unless anyone wanted to argue with him?)_ but the fourth stage, the 'Stage of Knowledge' had been the one where she spent the most time with him. She had delved into her magic, determined, it seemed, to commit every spell on the face of the Earth to memory- including the ancient, long forgotten spells that only Death itself knew. It had taken her a few centuries, but she had a working knowledge of... a lot. Like, a _lot_ a lot. The kind of _a lot_ that foolish mortals may have mistaken for 'a working knowledge of everything'- but no one knew better than Death how ephemeral a thing like knowledge was.

It was the fifth stage that gave Death the most trouble though- and it was the fifth stage that Hari was in; the 'Stage of Boredom'. Boredom had become a cursed word for Death. When boredom was applied to Hari, who was quirky at best, she went, for lack of better word, bat-shit insane. Just a few days ago she had floated from one end of the Earth to the other, using magic to turn everything in her path pink. Then, when the entire world was a blinding shade of magenta, she started again, that time in blue. She had so far turned the Earth pink, blue, green, orange, red and purple. She hadn't cut her hair since the very beginning of the 'Stage of Boredom', as she had wanted to see how long it could grow, and the scarlet tresses were currently over fifty feet long; they had been over a hundred, but Hari had had the bright idea to try and lasso a very old, _very_ powerful dragon with it.

That's right- she had used _hair_ to try and rope a giant, fire-breathing reptile.

And don't even get him started on all of the ridiculous traditions she had created! 'Opposite Day' being the worst. And the creatures she had created! How in eternity she had thought up a 'Blobbiting Rowlet' (scientific name _Quidinirrumabo Estininferno)_ was beyond him.

"Plus," Hari added, snapping Death out of his thoughts, "I am gonna make a kick ass genie!" She grinned.

"…a genie?" Death said blankly. He probably should have been feeling something right now (despair being at the top of the list), but all that was there was a numb feeling of dulled regret and melancholy memories of when he was an embodiment of eternal power who had no master.

"Mmm-hmm!' She hummed. "I need you to bind me to a lamp- I'll make it so I have a nice little room in there- and chuck me into another dimension. Then, someone will pick it up, and if they rub it, out I come!"

…just how bored _was_ his Mistress to come up with something like this?!

"You wish to be bound in servitude to whoever rubs your lamp?"

"No no no- I wish that when someone rubs the lamp, I come out, they agree I'm a genie, and depending on whether I like them or not, I will be enslaved by them for a set amount of time." Hari said, disguising her insanity with logic and puppy eyes.

"Come on! I'll even cut my hair!" She pleaded, flicking her hand as she spoke; wandlessly slicing her hair off at her lower back. If Death had eyes, he would have rolled them, especially when his Mistress discreetly flicked her hands a few more times to make blunt parted bangs and cutting a few longer locks around her face so they framed her face and fell around her shoulders and elbows.

Her vanity was kind of ridiculous sometimes.

"…really?" Death sighed. In answer, Hari picked up a teacup from the table, and transfigured it into a silver, Arabic lamp.

Death swung his scythe through his Mistress, focusing his intent, and forced her into the lamp, adding a few enchantments to make it habitable.

Hari giggled as she swirled into dark red smoke, and floated, as though sucked, into the pouring end of the lamp.

Death lifted it by the handle, leaving it dangling on a single skeletal finger, and opened a rift with his other hand. He stared into what looked like a rip in the air, and shook his skull as he flicked the silver lamp in there, before neatly stepping in and sealing it closed: he had to make sure his Mistress didn't accidently fall into Hell, after all.

-::-

Hari was in an excellent mood. She was currently lounging in what, for all intents and purposes, seemed to be a room in the palace of Agrabah. Hari had, as always, gotten an idea, and refused to let go of it until she had gone so unbelievably overboard she hated herself.

And she was _loving it!_

She leaned forward from where she was sprawled on an Arabic sofa, to take a falafel, an Arabic snack, from an Arabic platter, on an Arabic table that was placed on the luxurious Arabic carpet, with Arabic vases holding Arabic flowers and Arabic candles and Arabic, _Arabic, Arabic!_

She smiled so widely her face hurt- her mood was even better from the serious ego boost of how damn fine she looked in her...

Wait for it...

Arabic! BELLY DANCER! **_OUTFIT!_**

Gone were the shapeless, baggy robes of her past! Her curves were out in the open! Her stomach was toned! Her _belly button was adorable!_

A dark green, smoke-like skirt clung to her hips, her left leg bared through the slit that ran all the way to the hip on one side. Thick layers of thin silver coins jingled as her hips swayed, and her boobs were on fleek in the matching, gauzy off the shoulder crop top.

She was into it. She was _so._ _Fucking. Into it!_ Someone summon her! She would sing the entire Robin Williams song, and turn all of their vases into monkeys doing the can-can!

-::-

 **Decades Later…**

 _I miss tacos. Why are there no tacos? In an entire world, filled with intelligent beings capable of higher thought,_ _ **someone,**_ **anyone** ** _, should have figured out how to make a fucking taco!_**

Well, at least she wasn't bored anymore. Hari had served a few Masters and Mistresses, and while _some_ of them were nice, most were the embodiment of evil; and neither ever let her out of their homes, or even out of her lamp for more than a few minutes. Assholes. It wasn't right that she had been in a dimension for almost sixty years and she knew next to nothing about it, except that everyone spoke Japanese (kawaii, desu desu! _...yeah, that was racist_ ), and green hair could actually be natural (she knew for sure 'cause she had taken a peek while he showered. _Whaat?_ He was an asshole, _but dem abs, tho?!)_. Still, it kept life interesting.

However, she would never forgive the poor fool that had thrown her off the top of a bloody mountain!

 _'_ _Demon', he said, oh, I'll give him 'demon', alright…_ She was shaken out of her bloodthirsty daydreaming by the jolting of the lamp hitting the ground, and she fervently thanked her cushioning charm.

There was no movement for so long, she had started to think that maybe she had landed in the forest, instead of the town that was nestled in it, but that couldn't be right, after all, she had quite clearly heard the stupid, demon obsessed moron mutter-

 _"_ _Let those fools in Konohagakure deal with it, they already harbor the Kyuubi, what's one more evil?"_

Dude needed to get laid.

She groaned, and flicked one of the thin silver coins on her shirt in boredom.

Footsteps shook her awake, and hope began to rise, maybe someone would pick up her lamp, maybe they would be awesome, and _not_ want to take over the world for a change… a sudden jolt and a thud made her jaw drop.

Had… had someone _tripped_ over her lamp? How- how _dare they?_ Did they not understand who she was? Did they not understand that she was a being of divine progeny, a creature of delights, a being beyond their comprehension! Her lamp was to be treated as a sacred motherfucking _garden,_ to protect the delicate, feminine flower that lived within! **_Fuckfaces!_**

As Hari fumed, her lamp was lifted, and she could have sworn she heard, "Alright, dattebayo!", before more footsteps sounded, and her lamp was quickly jostled as he moved. A few more footsteps, then silence.

There was a cackle. "That was too easy!"

" ** _Oh really, Naruto?!"_** A second voice growled, and her lamp jostled as 'Naruto' jumped, screeching.

"Where'd you come from, Iruka-sensei?! What are you doing here?!" Naruto demanded.

"No, what are _you_ doing here, you're supposed to be in class!"

So Naruto was her first kid Master, Hari could roll with that. She was good with kids, Death often snorted that 'they sense a kindred spirit'. Then she tried to punch him. Or hex him. And he disappeared. Then laughed at her.

Death really wasn't as dignified as he ought to be. How was the jerk anyway, she hadn't talked to him in like, a century...?

Meh. She'd see him around sooner or later.

Hari felt a shiver run down her spine at the sensation of someone looking at her lamp.

"Mmm… **_nah!_** Later, Sensai! -ttebayo!"

Then he was sprinting away, as Hari hummed the Imperial March to herself, and her lamp swayed back and forth.

-::-

Naruto was cackling to himself as he rushed into his apartment; all it had taken was his Oiroke no Jutsu and Iruka was defeated! He would probably get into trouble for it later, but he had to check out the awesome shiny thing he'd found. He jumped to his feet at the thought, pulling it out of his jumpsuit and squinting at it.

It was silver, and cool looking, even though some bits were kinda black; it looked a little bit like a way cooler version of a kettle. Maybe the guys at the pawnshop would want it if he cleaned it up a bit. He held it up to the light, and rubbed at the black stuff.

The lamp gleamed suddenly, all black gone, and he yelped, dropping it, as red smoke poured from the weird spouty thing to form and congeal into… a girl?! She looked way older than him, maybe nineteen, and really, really weird.

Don't get him wrong, she was pretty, almost prettier than Sakura, especially with her long, really dark red hair, but her facey things were just… different.

Her eyes were big, and the craziest shade of green he had ever seen, and he had to grudgingly admit that _maybe_ they were a cooler green than Sakura. The proportions of her face, and the set of her cheekbones were way different than anyone he had ever seen before. Her clothes were funny too, a skirt that sat low on her hips layered with really dark green floaty material, and a tight shirt that showed her belly button and her shoulders but still had sleeves. They were all dark, dark green with thick layers of coins loosely sewed so that they jingled. It was weird but the style seemed familiar, kind of like off one of the stories he had read- then it clicked.

The lamp, the weird… everything, the fact that she was barefoot and floating a few feet off the ground (gah! How did he miss _that?!)._

 ** _"_** ** _YOU'RE A GENIE!"_** He accused, leaping to his feet and pointing at her, and Genie giggled and swept into funny kinda bow, where she lifted her skirts and dipped down- which was made even weirder because she was still floating.

"At your service, Master Naruto."

-::-

Hari smirked as she looked at the kid; he was gaping at her in complete shock.

 _She knew she was beautiful, but there was no need to stare~_

He was so cute, with gravity defying spike of bright blonde hair, blue eyes and… were those whiskers? Whatever they were, it was adorable. She wanted to hug him. She wanted to smush him~ _So cutie cutie cutie~!_ _ **Just so he cutie was that she**_ **_aSdFGHjKL_** _ **cUtIE**_ _ **CuTIe**_ _!_

 _..._

 _..._

 _...emotions._

 ** _"_** ** _ALL RIGHT!"_**

Down the street, passersby rubbed their ears, sour expressions on their faces, and wondered just _what_ the demon brat was so excited about now.

"Now I can pass the test and become a Genin and then Hokage and beat the stupid Uchiha and go out with Sakura! **_Dattebayo!_** "

Hari cooed, pressing her hands to her cheeks. She had no idea what Genin, Hokage, Uchiha or Sakura were, but she liked the kid already. He froze in the middle of celebrating:

"Wait, how do you know my name?!" He pointed at her accusingly. She tried to force down a whale noise- _this kid!_

"You're my Master, of course I know your name." She tossed her hair back dramatically, sparkles surrounding her superior expression.

 _(...what? It's not like she was going to tell him she overheard him and Iruka-sensei while she was in the lamp. That was just boring.)_

"Woah…" He stared in awe. "So you know everything! Passing the test gonna be easy with you, dattebayo!" He grinned.

She raised an eyebrow, moving onto a sitting position in the air and resting her chin in a hand. "Test?"

"Yeah, the test to decide who becomes Genin!"

"Genin..." She enunciated thoughtfully.

"You know, lower ninja, the lowest level of Shinobi, what you have to be before you become Chunin!"

Hari had zoned out at 'lower ninja'. Damn, the kid was training to become a ninja?! What the hell kind of dimension was she in?!

…it was kind of sad that it had taken her so many years to learn enough to have to ask that. It wasn't her fault her Master's were assholes! She paid attention to the kid, who had been babbling on, in time to hear;

"…I just need help with the written test. You get me to pass that, and I'll Hokage in no time! –ttebayo!"

Written test… just what the hell would be in a written test for a ninja? _'Question Fourteen: You gotta kill someone, dude. You gonna stab him, or what? I know, it's harsh. Life is a sacred thing- I myself am vegan, in the hopes of allowing more to live, for animals have none of humanities inherent cruelty. Still though, you gotta kill this guy. Hey wait, are ninja's even allowed to be vegan? Wait, off topic. Oh, who am I kidding, this pathetic attempt at a question was derailed the moment Hari got a hold of it. Your attention span is pathetic, woman!'_

...Huh. Now that Hari thought about it, it probably wasn't a good idea to let a ninja who didn't know what he was doing start… ninja-ing. She would have to make sure that when she made him pass, _he_ remembered the answers, and was up to his peer's level of skill… did he even have peers? Was he being privately tutored into ninja-hood? She felt a deep irritation at her previous Masters, who hadn't told her a thing about the world she was in.

"Hey, are you alright Genie-nee-chan?"She glanced down at the boy.

"Mmm, just thinking about the best way to help you pass the test- are there any books on what's going to be in it?"

"Probably in the library." Naruto told her, thinking hard. "But I'm not allowed in there."

Hari frowned, "What, your parents won't let you?" Naruto flinched, and she realized her mistake immediately- she knew that flinch. That flinch had been her companion for all of the years she spent mortal.

 _Sadness. Melancholy. The feeling of loss, when you didn't even remember what you were missing._

 _Death._

 _Woah woah woah, none of that! Dark and horrible thoughts are to be locked up and thrown in the Forbidden Forest,_ she scolded herself.

"Don't have any parents. I live alone. The library lady just doesn't let me in." It was strange how the boy who had been so lively a few moments had just shut down. Hari didn't like it.

"Then I guess I'll just have to make you invisible, then." She said offhandedly, hiding her smirk when his eyes widened.

"You can do that?!" He gaped.

"Naturally." Hari preened. The mindless adoration of sheep that had never bothered or tried to know her was pathetic and useless, but she had no issues with hero worship.

"Just think of the pranks I get away with!" He cackled.

"Ah, a prankster! A boy after my own heart." They grinned at each other, before he realized what she had said.

"Wait, but why would we need books? _You_ can just magically make me pass the test!"

"True, but then you won't learn. My way, and not only will you pass the test, but as you answer, you will learn."

"Cool!" He grinned, and Hari laughed and patted him on the head, noting the way he stiffened. She guessed she would have to get him used to displays of affection.

She paused as she realized what she had just thought; did she want to stay here? She glanced at Naruto, who was cackling to himself- he had no one, but the cranky the librarian that apparently had it out for him. Yep, she definitely had to take care of him- the boys jumpsuit was dirty, his apartment, from what she could see, was filthy, and she was ready to bet his diet was horrifying.

Oh, she was staying alright.

But for now, she had a library to rob.

"Oh, and Naruto, when is this exa- _test?"_

"Tomorrow!" He grinned unrepentantly, and Hari cackled at the kindred spirit she had found.

-::-

Well, this was… surprising. She had made Naruto food- he had tried to feed her something called 'ramen' and, upon discovering it was _five minute noodles,_ she had transfigured him a five star buffet. Then she had 'scourgify'ed him (and his jumpsuit) until he was squeaky clean, then sent him to bed, channelling her inner Molly Weasley as best as she could.

 _Molly... "-Mrs Weasley-!" "-call me Molly, dear-" "She's just a little girl!" "-you're like a daughter to me, Hari-"_

 ** _OH_** _, no!_ Hari cheerfully beat down those thoughts with a bat. _Nope! None of that! You get locked back down there in the Pit of Memories That I Refuse to Acknowledge_ _TM_ _!_

Sneaking into the library in the middle of the night was disturbingly easy- even if she hadn't had the invisibility cloak in her pocket dimension, a disillusionment charm would have done the trick. She had looked for a 'Ninja' section, and after coming up blank, found the section on 'Shinobi', and then YOLO'd it.

She yanked a book off the shelf, and used a charm so that she flicked through and absorbed it's knowledge in seconds. That was how she had made a startling discovery-

Ninjas (and was it ninjas or just ninja? Ninji? No, no, she was pretty sure that was some kind of tea...) used magic.

It was different to her kind of magic, of course- they called it 'Chakra', and it was linked to physical prowess. Instead of spells, they used 'Jutsu'.

A tiny, nostalgic, wondering smile played at her lips, as she gazed down at the book, unseeing. It widened, splitting her face almost in half, her eyes glowing as her face twisted in a mockery of a grin, hair coming to life around her face.

 _"_ _Doesn't that make this so, so much more fun?"_ And if anyone had heard the whisper that drifted like smoke through the room, swirling in corners and settling on the floors, a shiver would have run down their spine, and their hearts would have raced.

Abruptly, she shut her eyes, wiggling her head and seeming to shake off whatever had come over her. "Whoo, that- that got very _Grudge..._ Merlin, what happened to the lock on my Pit of Memories That I Refuse to Acknowledge?" She paused. "TM." She added as an afterthought, before glancing around. "I was doing something, wasn't I?"

She nodded to herself, grabbing another book andabsorbing its knowledge, before moving on to the next. If she absorbed as much knowledge on ninja skills as in the library, she should be able to astrally project herself to follow Naruto to school, and, when looking at questions, feed the answers and knowledge directly into his brain. It was a dodgy way of doing things, and there were likely to be gaps in the things that weren't explicitly answers, but it was all she could come up with on such short notice without just using a self-answering charm, and then he wouldn't learn _anything!_

She sighed, and flicked through another book, looking mournfully at the long, long, _long_ aisle.

This was going to take a while.

-::-

"We will now begin the final exam," Iruka stated. Hari had discovered that Iruka-sensei was Naruto's teacher… and was _very_ annoyed that he had run off.

"When your name is called, proceed to the testing room. The final test will be on…" He paused, probably for dramatic effect, but it just gave Hari a split second to stop concentrating and stare at both his pineapple hairdo, that was, frankly, awesome (did everyone but _her_ have gravity defying hair?!) and the scar across the bridge of his nose.

"Bunshin no Jutsu." She could practically see Naruto panicking.

 _Nooooooooo! Not my worst technique! I'm never gonna pass!_

Hari pressed a hand to her cheek indulgently, _Aww, don't worry, what do you think I'm here for? With my guidance, you'll do one perfectly._

Naruto may or may not have had a minor panic attack when he first heard her voice; the knowledge that she was right behind him, or her spirit was, didn't really help.

Of course, he relaxed, when at the first question, the knowledge instantly flashed through his mind.

Hari had mixed feelings about legilimency, but she had to admit it was being pretty useful right now.

She cheerfully hopped into his mind as he moved to the testing room- she could see through his eyes and everything.

 _Alright, get it together, Naruto! You can do this! Dattebayo!_ He told himself, and Hari almost cooed at the cuteness. He moved into the Jutsu position, and Hari blinked. Hrrmmm... Maybe... And if she used the element of surprise... She nodded wisely to herself, taking in a huge gulp of air.

 _NARUTO! SPAM THE COMMAND! BUTTON MASH!_ She roared, and in shock, he obeyed-

Iruka and the creepy silver haired one that was having a hard time concealing his hatred of Naruto (seriously, why did everyone and their mother have it out for Naruto?! How could anyone hate those big blue eyes!) jaws hit the floor as the entire room was filled with Narutos.

Naruto gaped, _B-bu- wha- HOW?! Thank you Genie-nee-chan, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!_

 _Don't thank me,_ she pressed a hand to her chest, tossing her head backwards. _You did it perfectly, but used far too much chakra. I have simply guided you in your path._

"Y-you pass!" Iruka stuttered. The look on Naruto's face (plus on Iruka and creepy silver hair guy's) made everything so, so worth it.

 ** _"_** ** _YES!"_**

-::-

 **Yes, I started another FanFic. Yes, I am a horrible person. Yes, I am very sorry.**

 **…** **no, I have never eaten a koala, nor a crocodile. (Seriously, people have asked me that; just what kind of monsters do you people think Australians are?!)**

 ***Hello friends! As you can see, I have gone over this and fixed it up a little, because I hate myself. And no- you did not catch a glimpse of plot.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 _"_ _What?"_ Sarutobi Hiruzen's head snapped up from his papers and the man in front of him shrank back at his harsh tone. "Tell me again the three highest scoring students."

The man shakily reread the paper he had in his hands.

"Uchiha Sasuke, Uzimachi Naruto, and-"

They didn't get to hear the third, because the Hokage had let out another scandalized, _"What?"_ He composed himself a little, but his words were still sharp from surprise.

"Are you sure it was Naruto? Second place, in the _entire_ exam?! Even the written?"

"H-he would have been first, if not for the fact that the Uchiha boy had been first in the class all year," the man stuttered.

 ** _"_** _What... how?_ … but Naruto's barely even in class?" The Hokage mumbled, more to himself than his subordinate, before taking a deep breath and collecting himself. His fingers came together contemplatively. "He must be practicing outside of school; learning everything he can…"

"Whatever it is he is doing, he must have worked incredibly hard for it." Hiruzen blinked. "We can't have the top three students in the same team... let's just shake this up a bit..."

He yanked the pink haired girls file out of the pile of three, and shuffled the others around, ignoring his subordinates slacked jawed gape at how easily the Hokage had destroyed his hours of organizing.

Hiruzen's eyes gleamed as he looked at the new Team Seven, and for a moment, he looked positively terrifying.

"I just hope Naruto is working as hard as I think he is," He muttered, suddenly frowning and crossing his arms like a kid.

-::-

"Listen kid, you sure you want me to take your picture like that?" The photographer asked, leaning on his camera.

"Just do it! Come on already! Come on, come on!" Naruto waved his arms around.

"Yeah, do you know how much effort I put into that?!" Hari demanded, crossing her arms and pouting. The old man sighed, ducking under the camera blanket.

"Fine, just don't blame me later," he grumbled.

There was a flash, and the image of Naruto, making an intimidating face, covered with intricate and terrifying war paint in what Hari called 'Maw-ree' (Or was it 'More-ree'? ) designs.

 _"_ _This is gold_ ," Hari whispered lovingly, holding it up to her face.

"Who are you anyway?" he frowned at her. Her eyes slid over to him, and she made to answer, before pausing and twisting her face.

"Uhhh… smoke bomb!" The old photographer coughed as thick red smoke swirled out of nowhere- when it cleared, the two weirdoes had disappeared.

"Damn ninja," the old man muttered, before turning back to his camera.

Just on the window, outside of the place, Naruto and Hari snickered.

"This is so much cooler than what I was gonna paint, dattebayo!"

Hari snatched the photo again to marvel at it, comparing it to the actual Naruto.

"There's no doubt about it... I'm amazing at everything I do. I'm a real life Mary Sue." She said proudly, before pausing- had that rhymed? That had so rhymed! "Well, add rapping and song writing to the list of things I can do!" Naruto frowned;

"Your name's Marree Shu?"

"What? No. I'm Hari…" She tilted her head. "I probably should have told you that when we first met."

"Ya think?!" He yelled. She gave him a haughty look.

"Don't you need to go see… Old Man? And I need to bake some sweets, plus give your apartment a complete makeov- **_Don't run away from me when I'm talking to you!_** "

But Naruto had already taken off, to go see… Old Man? Ugh, who was he, his grandfather?

"Bye, Genie-nee!" Was shouted back to her and, Hari rolled her eyes,

"Even when he knows my real name," She snorted, a little smile on her lips as she turned and apparated back to Naruto's apartment.

-::-

Hiruzen took back everything he had thought about Naruto as he glared down at the paper in front of him.

Naruto rubbed the back of his neck, chuckling.

 _At least the design is ingenious,_ a small voice in the back of Hiruzen's head muttered, before he squished it.

"At first I couldn't figure out how to do it, but Genie-nee knows some really good designs, and she wouldn't even let me do it myself; kept going on about how I was gonna poke my eyes out with a paint brush," he frowned.

"But finally, we got it!" Naruto gave a lazy thumbs up. "Like an art project on my face, only cooler!" He snickered.

"Take it again." Hiruzen growled, and Naruto jumped in panic.

 ** _"_** ** _No way!"_**

As hard as it was, Hiruzen kept his voice emotionless. "We can't accept this photo."

 _"_ _YEAH?! Well, I'm not doin' it again!"_

Naruto growled as they glared at each other. It raised in volume until;

"Henge!"

And in a flash, instead of Naruto there was a giggling blonde girl, butt-naked except for a few wisps of strategically placed smoke.

"Pretty please, Third Hokage?" She giggled.

Hiruzen blinked, before his brain caught up and he was rocketed to the floor from a jet-like nosebleed, and he lay there twitching.

Naruto froze for a moment- he hadn't wanted to give the Old Geezer a heart attack!

None of them even noticed the small figure at the door.

"That's the Oiroke no Jutsu, you say?" Hiruzen asked when he had recovered, wiping his nose with a handkerchief as though he, the all-powerful leader of the village, hadn't just been taken down by the sight of a naked girl.

"Very tricky, in fact too tricky. Don't do it again."

Naruto laughed sheepishly.

"And where is hitai-ate, Naruto? You're supposed to be wearing it."

"Oh, I'm not putting it on till the Orientation Day. I don't wanna mess it up."

"So, you want your headband nice, but your photo, which is supposed to identify you, makes you look like a clown."

He actually looked a little fierce, but there was no way he was telling the brat that.

"It's supposed to identify you for missions! Look at this picture, you can't even tell who it is!"

"Well, fine! How am I supposed to-" on the other side of the door, the figure geared himself up, preparing for what was going to be the toughest fight of his life. A single shuriken gleamed in his hand.

Hiruzen's gaze flicked to the door, and Naruto silenced a moment before the boy flung open the door, yelling, "I challenge you!" and running towards the Hiruzen.

"I'm going to defeat you, and become Godaime Hokage- **_uwah!"_**

Naruto sweatdropped as the boy tripped over his scarf and turned in an impressive cartwheel-slash-somersault motion before falling on his face.

The kid groaned as he curled on the floor, and Hiruzen adjusted his hat as he looked down at the boy.

 _My grandson, Konohamaru… another headache._

A man in sunglasses came stumbling through the door, just as Konohamaru straightened, and declared that something had tripped him.

Sunglasses gasped, "Gah! A-are you _okay,_ Omago-sama? And, there's really nothing to trip on, the ground seems pretty flat."

Hiruzen could practically see he man's thoughts written on his face as he noticed Naruto- probably something along the lines of _, 'Oh no, it's that demon! Everything that went wrong in my life is, somehow his fault!'_

Sometimes he wondered how Ebisu had even made Tokubetsu Jonin.

"Alright, you're the one who tripped me, aren't you?!" Konohamaru yelled, pointing at Naruto. A tick mark appeared on the blonde's head, and he grabbed the kid by the scarf.

"You tripped over your own feet, baka!" He growled.

"H-hey! You! Take your hands off, right now!" Ebisu ordered uselessly. "He is the Honourable Grandson of the Honourable Sandaime Hokage!"

"Hmm?" Naruto glanced at Ebisu, before looking at the gap toothed kid.

"Whats the matter, huh?! I thought you were gonna hit me, tough guy! Or are you afraid cause the Hokage is my Grandfather!" Hiruzen felt like shaking his head. _Reckless_.

Naruto growled, _"I don't care if he's your grandmother, dattebayo!"_

He slammed his fist over the kids head. Konohamaru fell to the floor, and Ebisu stuttered in horror.

"This is not looking good," Hiruzen observed from his desk.

Naruto vanished soon after, Ebisu started on one of his rants, and Hiruzen drifted into thought.

 _Genie-nee… A friend of his, I suppose? I can't think of any girls with that name. We should be wary, in the case of a spy meaning to get close to the Kyuubi._

He broke out of his train of thought to see Ebisu panicking over Hiruzen's missing grandson.

"I think he followed Naruto, but I have no idea where they're going." Hiruzen told the man. He sighed as Ebisu took off running.

 _How did he grow up to be like that? Konohamaru is quite determined- that was his twentieth sneak attack today. And if he starts running around with Naruto, he's sure to get even worse. Naruto wouldn't teach him anything really bad… would he?_

-::-

Naruto growled as he walked down the street. The person who was following him was an idiot; he hadn't even bothered to hide his feet under the blanket!

"I know you're following me, so just give it up!" He turned and pointed to the boy who was attempting to hide, and failing majestically.

"That's so obvious it's pathetic," Naruto told him.

The kid chuckled in what was probably supposed to be an intimidating way, and lowered the sheet.

"Saw through my disguise, huh? The rumours about you are true, you're good!"

…it would be mean to tell the kid that an elderly donkey would be able to see through his disguise.

"All right! I'll be your apprentice, and you'll be my trainer!" The kid decided.

"…huh?"

"And afterwards, you've gotta show me that oiroke jutsu thing you used on Hokage-jii-chan!"

"This is some kinda joke, isn't it?" Naruto turned away.

"No! Please, Boss, I really need a new trainer!"

"Huh? Boss?"

"Yeah, you're the boss! Boss, Boss Boss Boss _Boss_ _ **Boss**_!"

Naruto grinned, "When you put it like that, how can I refuse! Now come on, I gotta get Genie-nee to let me eat ramen!"

"Okay, Boss!"

-::-

Hari was in an excellent mood. The floors were shining and lacquered, fitting together neatly, the entire inside of the apartment had been expanded, she had added an extra room for herself (and quickly made it into her dream room complete with an indoor garden, an aquarium of piranhas and a small lava fountain) and, for the final, _beautiful_ last touch… there was a training course in the now-gigantic living room complete with punching bag, chin up bar, climbing wall, spinning dangerous-looking things and a weapon rack with almost every weapon in the books she had read… of course, most were just transfigured rocks, so they weren't exactly best quality, but hey, better than nothing.

Hari frowned as she lounged around, floating through the air. Really, she thought it would have taken longer than half an hour… the sudden sound of a door opening made her flash out of her thoughts-

"Hey, Genie-nee! I- **_What the heck?!"_**

"Woah! You have a climbing wall?"

Hari blinked at the scene before her as Naruto's jaw hit the floor and the little boy beside him… sparkled? Yeah, that was _definitely_ sparkling, but more importantly;

"Why does everyone but me have awesome, gravity defying hair?" She asked herself, before shaking her head.

"Eh, the curse of silken locks… so, kid, what's your name?"

The boy just choked, and she smiled teasingly.

"What, cat got your tongue?" She ran a hand through her hair; it was always fun shocking 'em speechless!

"You're floating, Genie-nee." Naruto choked out, managing to close his jaw for a few moments.

"Oh, is that it?" She visibly deflated, slowly drifting to the ground. Was the price of her beauty for it to always be overlooked?

"I- I'm Konohamaru."

"Cool. I'm Hari, but he calls me Genie, so you may as well too."

"Genie-nee, did you do all this?!"

"Yep, all me, trained circus monkeys had _nothing_ to do with i-" She was interrupted by Naruto bowling her over in a hug.

"Thank you thank you _thank you!_ It's gonna be easy to get stronger with all of this! I'm gonna be Hokage in no time! Dattebayo!"

"No you're not! _I'm_ gonna be Hokage!" Konohamaru pointed dramatically.

"Hey, kid! We're havin' a moment!" Naruto yelled, thumping the boy over the head and making him fall to the floor.

"But I have to be Hokage!" He yelled, rubbing his head as he sat up.

"Why?" Hari asked curiously.

"You don't know what it's like! When everyone looks at you, but they don't even see you. My Grandfather named me after the village, so my name should be easy to remember, but not one person in the village uses it! Because when they look at me, they don't see me, all they see is the ' _Honourable Grandson of the Lord Hokage'._ " He made a face. Hari had to admit, her heart went out to the kid; she got what it was like. When she had first entered the wizarding world, it had been all 'Girl-Who-Lived' this, and 'Our Savior' that… While Konohamaru had been yelling at first, he had quietened and was now glaring at the floor.

"I can't stand it, it's like I'm invisible. Like I don't exist. I hate that! That's why, I've got to become the Hokage now! So people know who I am!" His voice rose, and Hari couldn't help but be impressed by the determination in it.

There was a moment of silence, as Hari drifted to the ground, looking at him consideringly, and Naruto stared at him for a moment before seeming to come to a decision.

"Get real! You think people are going to accept a squirt like you!" Hari's eyebrows shot up at his words. What was that whiskery mischief monkey up to now?

Konohamaru looked up in shock.

"A kid can't just turn into a Hokage after a day or two."

Konohamaru seemed to finally realize what Naruto was saying, and he shot to his feet with a snarled, "What?!"

"It's not that simple. You keep saying 'Hokage'! 'Hokage'! But if you really have to be Hokage, you know what you have to do?"

"What? What is it?!" Konohamaru growled.

Naruto's mouth curled into a giant grin, and he turned to face the kid fully.

"You're gonna have to beat me in battle!"

Konohamaru stared, and Hari cackled with delight at the new turn of events. It wouldn't exactly be a magnificent fight _now,_ but give them a few years of training, and just think of the legendary battle that would ensue! Ooohh~ Hari could sell tickets! No, Hari could train the two impressionable boys as her very own gladiators! She gasped at the thought, eyes sparkling. She could create a coliseum, with hundreds of other gladiator-ninja-trainee-underlings!

Yes, Hari approved of the rivalry, she approved _very_ much!

Of course, her Ninja-Gladiator-Underlings had train, and become much stronger, in order to make the fight as awesome as possible…

A feeling of foreboding washed over the boys, as they looked up from what _had_ been a meaningful bonding moment to shiver at the demonic glint in Hari's eyes as she rubbed her hands together evilly.

"Well," She said, her voice dripping with terrifying cheer. "You are going to have to train, aren't you, if you want to have a fabulous fight that bards will sing songs of and old women will tell their grandchildren of? _Hmm~?"_

Naruto wasn't sure what unnerved him more- the fact that she had described a fight as 'fabulous', the sickly sweet voice she was speaking in, or the fact that this woman was the closest thing he had to a caretaker.

"So, Naruto, Konohamaru, you're both going to need a strict training routine!"She twisted her hands, and suddenly they were floating through the air to land in an undignified heap near the training course.

Hari loomed over them, somehow having magically changed into a black strapless crop top and black harem pants in the past point five seconds…

"How did she do that?" Konohamaru asked Naruto out of the corner of his mouth .

"How does Genie-nee do anything?" Naruto muttered back.

"Now, let your training commence!" She beamed.

"H-hey, wait, I'm s'posed to be training him, Genie-nee!"

Hari paused, giving him a disapproving look.

"Naruto, are you planning on corrupting an innocent child?"

"No!"

"What were you planning on teaching him?"

"The Boss is gonna teach me everything about being a Shinobi, and then he's gonna teach me to turn into a naked lady!"

Hari froze, slowly turning to Konohamaru. Had… did she hear that right?

"Did you just say that he's going to teach you to turn into… a naked lady?"

"Yup!" Konohamaru grinned toothily.

Naruto had tensed. Gah, what if she thought it was freaky or gross?! Even though Genie-nee was a complete weirdo and she seriously freaked him out sometimes, she was awesome, he didn't want to do something that would make her hate him- was she laughing?

"Oh my god, I have _got_ to see this!"

"H-huh?"

"Do it! Do it do it do it! Oh god, can you _imagine?_ Defeated by a naked chick! Oh this is perfect!"

The evening went downhill after that- while at first Naruto's transformations had amused the witch to no end, Konohamaru's attempt to turn into her was met with bloodshed, and then some weird guy with glasses showed up, babbling about honourableness, and was promptly defeated by what seemed like hordes of naked women (Hari had been distracting herself with the cool shiny weapons she had created and hadn't really been paying attention), and then there was something about Naruto and Konohamaru being rivals, but of course, Hari wasn't going to let one of her most promising ninja gladiators escape, so she sealed the door, and thus began the four hours of torture that she had decided was training for her super elite ninja gladiator coliseum, mixed in with ten minute breaks that mostly consisted of them gulping down water and complaining about how she was floating through all of the exercises.

…of course she wasn't going to do the exercises, she had spent centuries mastering magic so that she wouldn't _have_ to exercise! Besides, floating was way more strenuous than it looked, there was an almost constant strain on her magic, which strained her energy, which strained her body, so technically she was almost _always_ exercising!

She fed them a nice, filling meal afterwards, and Naruto promptly collapsed on his bed, despite it being only eight. Eh, he probably needed rest, what with the team selection thingamabob the next day. She returned from tucking the orange obsessed boy under the covers to see Konohamaru only half conscious- of course, she flicked her fingers and he was apparated to his bedroom, but she had a feeling he wouldn't be coming back. It hurt to lose one of her most promising ninja-gladiators so early, but still, omelettes and eggs.

But what with the Ninja-Gladiator-Coliseum in the works, meeting a kindred spirit in the form of a scarf-wearing pineapple head and helping a kid to reach his dreams, Hari had decided that in her three days in service to Naruto, she was feeling happier than she had been in centuries!

-::-

 **The response to the first chapter of this alone has been… phenomenal. Seriously, forty reviews, just on the first chapter. Forty reviews!** ** _Forty! ON THE FIRST CHAPTER!_**

 **And did I mention the 475 followers and the 299 faves, because my mind is** ** _ka-boom!_** **Right now!**

 **Really, thank you all. So. Freaking. Much. I was only really writing this because I saw the prompt, and went, hey, this looks** ** _fun!_**

 **And now Akari-Chaan herself has reviewed this, and I have a horrible case of fangirlitis, and I am also absolutely terrified, 'cause in one review this person is saying 'you have to be really careful not to copy the other stories' and I'm freaking out because I don't want to be known as a plagiariser! I'm not even sure if I spelt it right! And did I mention the fangirlitis?!**

 **Phew, okay, mental breakdown over.**

 **Thank you to all of my lovely reviewers;**

 **Shadow Carnival | hlyarts | randomy | Thinker90 | NarutoSpardaUzumaki | thunder18 | dreaming of rocketships | crazy dragon ninja | frankieu | Mack53B | Silvermane1 | marcoglas92 | chickeyd | moon so bright | Viva01 | Claire nunnaly | ShadowTomes | Aphrodite Child | RebeliousOne | dogsrulz77 | saashi samy | Fan (guest) | Lex (guest) | Alice (guest) | lazyyoyo | JadedKrystal | Guest (guest) | Ennael | Indecisive Bob | ramen-luver101 | Astraeanyx (guest) | secretwhovianpony | wildman90 | Akari-Chaan | That1ShyBigGuy (guest) *p.s. thanks for the warning... I think?* | kate1243 | raven (guest) | ptl4ever419 | XxXJeremyOfTheStormXxX | Guest (guest)**

 **Oooh my god that took** ** _forever!_**

 **Thank you all for reading my fanfic (if any of you are even reading the authors note).**

 **Bai!**

 **CuteKitty264**

 ***Have gone over. Have filled in few plot holes.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Slee-eeping be-eauty~" Hari sang softly, dragging out the vowels. "Wa-ake u-up~"

Naruto grumbled, but slowly sat up, rubbing at his eyes and wincing.

"Ow," He groaned, looking around. Somehow he was in his pyjamas, in his room- hey, he even had his sleeping cap! Hari was perched on the end of his bed, holding a tray that smelt like- **_ramen!_** Had Genie-nee finally seen the light and decided to embrace the endless love and acceptance of ramen?! He had no idea, but he leapt to his feet anyway...well, he _tried_ , 'O' for effort, but he instantly collapsed as his muscles groaned in protest. He had forgotten about Genie-nee's workout from hell...

"Come on, Naruto~! You gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up in the morning~!" She clapped her hands, before blinking down at him.

"Huh?" She poked him with her foot. " _Oh,_ right, I forgot how much exercise sucks..." She winced sympathetically, moving her hand out from under tray and leaving it hovering in the air.

"Nervis sanabit," she said, placing a glowing hand on Naruto's back. He was probably feeling the _extremely_ uncomfortable feeling of something crawling around under his skin, but it would be gone in a minute- he couldn't go to his... team... choose-y thingy... without being able to stand. Nuh-uh, that just wouldn't do.

Naruto suddenly jumped into the air out from under her hand, leaving Hari blinking with her hand frozen in the air.

"Woah! _That is so cool!_ _ **Dattebayo!"**_ He shouted the last word, and Hari broke out of her frozen state.

"Don't think it'll be a regular thing, but today is special,"

Naruto blinked, you could almost see the question mark hovering over his head, before he caught sight of his calendar (that Hari found absolutely hysterical- who'd have thought ninja-universe had pin up models?) and his eyes widened, before he slowly grinned.

"Today's the day~" Hari sung. She didn't know why, but she was feeling very musical; she really wanted to watch _Lion King_...

"Today's the day I've been waitin' for, tomorrow won't come after all, yesterday is so far away, **_and today is the only day~!_** Where did I hear that? _When_ did I hear that?" Hari mumbled to herself as she floated after Naruto as he took the tray into the kitchen. She slapped a stale milk carton out of his hands absently, purifying it and handing it back to him, still pondering the song lyrics.

"iIt was like, 2 thousand and something... Magenta... Barbie... Rose... I'm getting a really pink vibe-" She gasped, shooting up into the air. "P!nk! That's who it is!" She beamed, before frowning. "It's weird that I remember that, I don't even like her that much... Bye, Naruto!" She absently said, as he waved and left, still thinking.

"Wait... bye?" She shot up, " _Naruto, no_ , _wait for nee-chan!"_

Already gone.

"Well," She said to the empty room. "Looks like today's the day I finally get to infiltrate a ninja academy."

She grabbed a piece of paper, before floating out the window. An old woman gaped up at her, the watering can she held clattering down and crushing the poor lady's gardenias.

 _Oh, right, disillusionment charm... Knew I was forgetting something._

She glided over the town, following Naruto's progress, and absently noting the two girls racing towards the academy.

"Ah, to be young," She chuckled wistfully, before remembering that, as Mistress of Death, she could easily de-age herself.

"You gotta, admit, it would be fun to see Naruto's reaction," She considered, thinking of the bug-eyed look Naruto would likely adopt if he came home to see her as a twelve-year-old.

She was nudged out of her imagination at the sight of a familiar pineapple head walking down the streets... Iruka, her ticket to the sorting thingy-ma-bob!

Or... wait were they even being sorted, or was her nostalgic brain twisting Hogwarts into everything she saw or thought of?

...

...

...nah.

She swooped down, landing behind him, grabbing a sheet of blank paper out of her pocket dimension and disillusioning herself. She cleared her throat, and Iruka spun around.

"Excuse me, are you," She glanced at the paper, as though checking, "Iruka?"

He stayed tense, but nodded. She relaxed a little, as though relieved.

"I thought so, recognised your hair," that was the truth. "My name's Hari, Potter Hari, I'm overseeing the sorting of the Genin teams."

Iruka raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Mmm." Hari dipped her head, belatedly realising that perhaps she should have changed out of her belly dancer outfit...

Second thoughts, nah, her genie outfit was awesome! It was dark red, with gold coins that time, in honour of Gryffindor! ...now that she thought of it, did that mean that her default outfit was in honour of Slytherin? Well, the hat had thought she would be good in Slytherin, maybe it had been thinking fashion-wise.

"Potta-san?"

"Hm? Oh, right," She handed him the blank paper, and, almost conversationally, said, "Confundus."

Iruka's eyes glazed.

"I'm... Potta Hari, occasionally known by the pseudonym Genie, so you may as well call me that. I'm overseeing the sorting of the Genin teams. I am not a ninja, but I can like, totally kick butt. _Respect_." She enunciated, thumping her chest with a fist. Pausing, she added as an afterthought. "Oh, and I'm like _to-tally_ trustworthy."

"I... see. I'll escort you to the academy."

"Why, thank you. And they say chivalry is dead." So she floated along, a few inches above the ground, and if Iruka thought that was odd, well, he was polite enough not to mention it.

-::-

Naruto had been so happy at the start of the day. And now... he was kissing Sasuke-teme.

He had no idea how it happened! They had been glaring at each other, in a completely hateful way. And then...

They yanked apart, spitting and choking, but the damage was done.

"Oh my _freaking_ _God_." Someone said. No... no, it couldn't be...

 ** _"_** ** _Genie-nee?!"_** Naruto's eyes bugged.

The entire class turned to see Iruka, staring in abstract shock, but that wasn't what they were looking at- they were staring at the beautiful, alien girl collapsing with silent laughter.

 _Far across the town, the Hokage's eyes widened as he stared into his crystal ball, the Jonin behind him giving him questioning looks._

 _"_ _This is the 'Genie' girl he was speaking of?" The Hokage concentrated the crystal ball, before his eyes bugged._

 _"_ _Is she floating?!"_

The class and their teacher, and unknown to them, the Jonin and the Hokage, stared as Hari collapsed, laughing hysterically. Of course, she was still floating, so they were witnessing the _strange_ spectacle of someone lying down in the air. Finally, the chuckles subsided, and she took a deep breath, floating upright.

"Okay, I'm done." Before she mischievously added, "But Naruto, you could have _told_ me you swung that way."

 ** _"_** ** _It's not like that!"_** Naruto yelled back, freezing at the sudden gasp behind him.

"So you were leading him on, is that it?!" Hari mock gasped."N-Naruto, you- you little _heartbreaker!"_ She managed to choke out, before she collapsed into giggles.

"I... take it you know Naruto, then?" Iruka sweatdropped, as Naruto ran from the girls that seemed dead set on beating the crap out of him; both for kissing Sasuke and 'leading him on'.

"Yup," the redhead giggled.

"All right, everyone in their seats!" Iruka announced, and the girls reluctantly retreated, with one last glare at Naruto, who sunk under his desk.

"Excuse me, Iruka-sensei?" The pink haired girl, who had been one of the more dedicated to destroying Naruto, raised her hand.

"Yes, Sakura?"

"Who's she? And how does she know Naruto?"

"That is Genie-san, she'll be overseeing the sorting of the teams."

 _The Hokage frowned into his crystal ball, eyes narrowing as a sliver of the man who had been called 'The Professor' shone through. "I didn't authorise that."_

"And, Iruka-sensei?"

"Yes?"

"Why is she flying?"

"Technically I'm floating, but good question." Hari beamed at the girl cheerfully from where she was indeed hovering in a sitting position. Sakura blinked questioningly.

"I'm floating 'cause it's fun." Naruto snorted and the class sweatdropped.

"I... think she mean's _how_ are you flying, Genie-san." Iruka blinked.

"Eh? Oh, it's really not that hard. The trick is not fainting. _Especially_ when you're high up, that gets messy." Hari nodded solemnly as she spoke, and they stared.

"Well, we know where Naruto gets his crazy from." Sakura observed.

"Wow, you're smart, ten points to Sakura." Hari giggled ditzily.

"I don't see how it's possible." A boy said sleepily.

" _Another_ pineapple person?! Where do you all _come_ from?!" She shook her head in disbelief. "Besides, who cares about me, isn't this supposed to be the day that _your_ fate is decided? **_I'd be more worried about yourselves right now~!_** **"**

There was an outbreak of worried murmuring that Hari used as an opportunity to turn and float into the corner, before waving her hand negligently. "Proceed."

"Right..." Iruka gave her a long look, before returning to the quietening class, a proud look drifting onto his face.

"As of today, you are all ninja. To get here, you've faced difficult trials and hardships. But that's nothing. What comes next will be far more difficult."

Well, that wasn't ominous at all... still, at least there wasn't a murderous, pale, snake-obsessed sociopath who was hell bent on gaining immortality trying to murder _them_.

 ***In his super secret lair in an undisclosed location, Orochimaru sneezed***

"Now you are only Genin, first level Shinobi. All of the Genin will be grouped into three-man squads, and each squad will be led by a Jonin, an elite Shinobi."

The kids eyes widened, and Sakura and a blonde girl began glaring daggers at each other. They kind of reminded Hari of Lavender and Parvati; boy obsessed, _kinda_ ditzy and sorta shallow... But when you got down to it, they really were loyal.

 _"_ _Look, I know we've never exactly gotten along... but there's no way I'm about to believe any of the bull the Prophet's saying about you." – "I believe her!" – "She's a lot of things, but she's not a liar.""Lavender? Lavender-!"-_

 _Oh_ , no you don't, back down into the Pit of Memories, none of that crap-

The emo boy's eyes narrowed in a way that reminded Hari uncomfortably of herself when she was in her 'Stage of Denial and Angst' (dammit, now Death had _her_ calling it that too, the bastard)... it was very vaguely reminiscent of the face she had made when she was briefly considering blowing up the world. Only momentarily, but it showed what angst could to do to your brain! Realising how Tom-Riddlish the moping had made her was one of the things that spurred her to deal with her misery and become a healer.

...of course, she kinda doubted that the kid was going to be as –ahem- well adjusted as she was _(screw you, Death!_ Grrr, she could practically hear his mocking laughter...).

"We want the squads to have an equal balance of skills, so that's how we set them up." Iruka explained, and Hari couldn't help but feel he looked ridiculously like a posh rich girl with the way he put a hand on his hip and held the papers away from himself in the other.

"I will now announce the squads." Iruka thankfully moved out of his posh-girl position, and began rattling off teams.

"...Team Seven, Uzumaki Naruto," Hari and Naruto perked up. "...Uchiha Sasuke,"

 ** _"_** ** _What?!"_** Naruto shrieked, as Hari burst out laughing.

"Ah, Naruto, it seems that even fate wants you and Sasuke to be together~!"

 ** _"_** ** _Oh, shut it!"_**

"-and Hyuuga Hinata." A girl in the back that had been so quiet Hari hadn't even noticed her squeaked, turning a truly vibrant shade of tomato. It didn't take legilimency for Hari to know what was going through the girl's head as she blushed, eyes fixed on... Naruto? Huh, she had thought it would be Sasuke... But really, why was she surprised, it was sure to happen sooner or later with Naruto's sweet blue eyes!

 _...had that rhymed again?_

 _Never mind, she was getting off-track._

But wait, onto more pressing matters... she had two new recruits for her ninja gladiator academy!

... _waaaaiiit,_ onto even _more_ pressing matters, did this mean- Hari gasped- **_A team love triangle?! NaruSasu, versus, NaruHina!_**

She didn't even realise that she was giggling and rubbing her hands together, with an ominous black aura hanging around her until she noticed half of the class shrinking back from her (excluding the sobbing, shrieking girls that seemed to think they had been destined to be with Sasuke).

Hari coughed and waved a hand dismissively, "Nevermind."

Iruka rattled off the rest of the teams, and Naruto squirmed in his seat all the while.

"...and those are all the squads." Naruto shot to his feet.

"Iruka-sensei! Why does a great ninja like me have to be in the same group as a slug like Sasuke-teme!"

Sakura snapped out of her misery enough to growl at him as Iruka glanced down at the paper in his hands.

"The teams are arranged according to skill. They were determined by your test results to be the best placement for you, to make you the strongest you can be."

Naruto snarled.

"Just make sure you don't get in my way. Dobe." Sasuke told him.

"Oh, Tommy-boy, I just can't _wait_ until you start tearing your soul up and sealing it in frickin' kunai." Hari mumbled.

 _"_ _What did you say?!"_ Naruto demanded. Sasuke didn't even look up as he calmly asked,

"Hard of hearing?"

"Knock it off, Naruto, sit down!" Sakura threw in.

Iruka ignored them, probably used to it. "After lunch, you'll meet your new Jonin sensei. Until then, class dismissed."

Sasuke was out of class in a flash... lucky, seeing as how the fangirls swarmed after him. Hari shuddered. "They're a plague..."

"What?" Naruto squinted at her, tilting his head.

"Wait, when the hell did you come over here? ...never mind, don't answer that."

"What are you doing here, Genie-nee?"

"I told you, Naruto, I'm watching my adorable little brother getting sorted into his team!" She smooshed his cheeks together. Naruto's eyes widened, and- aww, did he blush? Cutie~!

"Tha'sh no' wha' 'oo sai'!" He mumbled, and she tilted her head.

"Oh. Wasn't it? I guess I just figured you guys would infer." She glanced up to the back of the class, where the girl was poking her fingers together, blushing, and staring at Naruto with white- holy _crap,_ either the girl was blind or she had the coolest eyes in existence! Hari shook her head and turned back to Naruto.

"So, shouldn't you go get to know your teammate?"

"What, Sasuke-teme?!" He sounded horrified.

"I was thinking more the other one." She pointed to the white eyed girl. He blinked.

"Right!" He made to dart over before freezing. "...we're still getting ramen later, though, right?"

Hari pouted. "Ugh, fine, you can have your five minute noodles... Now, if you excuse me, I have pairings to decide."

She patted him on the head, gently pushing him towards Cute-Blind-Girl, and breezed out of the door, examining the kids wandering around. Most of them stared right back in shock, muttering behind their hands and pointing at the floating girl.

 _'_ _Awww~! Look how cute! Just think, in a few years, they'll have families, and cute little babies! And, oh, just think! A kid with her eyes and his hair?! Okay, they_ _ **have**_ _to get to-_

And that was when the tranquilizer dart hit her.

-::-

It wasn't every day that one saw the great and terrible _Sharingan no Kakashi_ and the even greater and more terrible _Sandaime Hokage_ with their jaws on the floor.

 _"_ _How?"_ Hiruzen picked his jaw up off the ground.

"It's... bigger on the inside?" Kakashi blinked.

"B-but... what's all this!" Hiruzen gestured around, from the lacquered floors to the luxurious couches, and the giant training course in the middle of the room. "And the roof! It's gotten _higher?!_ Just what kind of jutsu is this!" He pulled at his hat in a very un-Hokage-ly way, trying to break through a non-existent genjutsu.

"Maa, perhaps it has something to do with the girl you had kidnapped." Kakashi suggested, already having regained his laid back attitude, even as his sharingan swirled, ensuring that it really was real, and not a genjutsu.

"Mm..." The Hokage thought back.

 _The room had quietened as the teams were announced._

 _"_ _Is something wrong, Hokage-sama?" Kurenai asked softly._

 _"_ _I don't like this... it was bad enough that she may be manipulating Naruto, but knowing that she is able to gain access to the academy?" Hiruzen frowned. "I believe... it would be best if she was taken in for questioning."_

 _That was all one of his ANBU guards needed to flicker away. The Hokage shook off his misgivings and turned back to his scrying ball. After all, it was better safe than sorry._

"But if she has enough power to do something like this..." Hiruzen frowned, sweeping his gaze across the room that looked as though it were the interior of a mansion. "One would almost think... that she is a jinchuuriki herself."

-::-

 **Ehehehe... hi! Kitty is so, so sorry she hasn't updated for so long! Kitty- *sob* Kitty's a bad girl!** ** _Waaaaaaaaaahhh~!_**

 **Ahem. Yeah, I got that outta my system. Sorry... funny mood today, I've had waaaaay more sugar than is healthy, and paired with my** ** _kinda-sorta_** **sleep-deprived-ness...**

 **I'm honestly really sorry I haven't updated, I kinda completely forgot I was an author for a while, and then, when I thought to check-**

 **O.O**

 ** _HOW THE FREAKING HELL DO I HAVE THIS MANY REVIEWS?! AND FAVORITES! THE HELL?!_**

 **I spent a while freaking out. Seriously, there are way too many of you who reviewed for me to list you all, but you are amazing, wonderful, kawaii-desu (I haven't the slightest clue what desu means, so if I'm insulting you, sorry), and I hope all of you find random money lying around when you are walking down the street.**

 **Seriously, I love you guys.**

 **Ohhhh kay, know that I have sufficiently weirded you out, it is time for me to use the sleep!**

 **Bye-bye!**

 ***Have edited. It is too late at night for this shiet. My face hurts. And I may or may not have added in hints of plot.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Hari was having an excellent day! She had been _kidnapped!_ It had been _ages_ since she had been kidnapped, mostly because everyone back in her dimension was terrified or in awe of her... you didn't live and perform miracles for centuries without getting a cult.

...she wasn't joking. She had seriously had a cult at one point.

Huh, she was pretty sure she had gotten off track... RIGHT! She had been **_kidnapped!_** The tranquiliser had worn off, and she could probably wake up and get out of her mindscape. Hari did just that, blinking her eyes open and stretching luxuriously, before glancing around. Hmm, an interrogation room. Interesting. She cast a silent detection charm... there were three people hidden in the room with her- probably more watching her. Now... to mess with them, or not to mess with them?

Pfft, who was she kidding? She was so messing with them!

She turned directly to the nearest presence.

"I'm thirsty." She told it. Nothing happened. It didn't move. She groaned, rocking back on the chair she was in.

"Come on!' She complained. "I'm _thiiiiirsty_! And hungry! And kinda horny, but mostly thirsty! I wanna glass of water! No, on second thoughts, I want lemonade. NO! Pumpkin juice! It's been _centuries_ since I've had pumpkin ju- _woah!"_ The chair she had been rocking in tipped back too far, and she flew into the air with a shriek as it fell on its back. She glared.

"Ugh, typical! Even the chairs here have it out for me!" Nothing happened. If she hadn't cast the detection charm, she would be certain that she was in an empty room.

"Alright, I didn't want to have to do this, but if you don't get me a glass of water, I swear to God I will start singing at the top of my lungs." Still nothing.

"You have five seconds, one, two, three, four, five... _Maaaamaaaa! Just kiilled a maaaan! Put my gun up, to his heaaad, pulled the trigger, now he's deaaad! Maaaamaaaa! Life had juuuust begun! And now III've thrown iiiiit aaaalll awaaa-aay! If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry oooon, carry oooo-oon, 'cause noooothing, reaaallyy maaaatters, this day..."_ She trailed off sadly, before: " ** _I SEE A SILHOUETTO OF A LITTLE MAN! SCARAMOUCH, SCARAMOUCH WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?! THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTING! VERY VERY FRIGHTENING! ME! GALILEO! GALILEO, GALILEO, GALILEO FIGARO! MAGNIFICOOOOOOOOO!"_**  
Hari was vaguely aware of movement, but she barely acknowledged it, so caught up in her singing.

 _"_ _I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me..._ _ **HE'S JUST A POOR BOY, FROM A POOR FAMILY!**_ _Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?!_ _ **NOOOOOO,**_ _we will not let you go!_ _ **LET HIM GOOOOO!**_ _Vis milloch,_ _ **NOOOOO!**_ _We will not let him go!_ _ **Let him go!**_ _Will not let you go_ _ **, let me go!**_ _Never let you go let me go!_ _ **NEVER LET ME GOOOOOOOO!**_ _No, no, no, no-"_

"Potta-San" Someone said calmly. Nooo! She _liked_ this part! She waved a dismissive hand at them, still singing.

 _"_ _-no, no, no! Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia_ _ **LET ME GOOOOO!**_ _ **BEE-EL-ZE-BUB! HAS A DEVIL PUT ASIDE FOR MEEEEEE!**_ _ **FOR MEEEEE! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"**_

She twirled through the air, playing the air guitar. "Dada, dada-dadada- **_DADA_** \- dadada- **_Dada!"_**

"Potta-san."

"Not now, I love this part!" She spun in the air dramatically.

 ** _"_** ** _So you think you can stone me and spit in my eeeeeeeeye?! So you think you can love me and leave me to dieeeee?! Ooooooooh, baaa-biieeee, can't do this to me baaaaa-biieeee~"_**

"Potta-san, it is time to begin interrogation."

"Dada, dada-dadada- **_DADA_** \- dadada- **_Dada!"_** She shouted more than sang.

"...and we have your water."

She broke off mid song, to swoop down and snatch the glass from the masked man's hands.

"Yaaay~ and that, boys, is why you should always provide prisoners with beverages." She snickered, taking a sip, and examining the masked man who had handed it to her curiously. _He was one of those special forces chaps, wasn't he? ANBO, NANDO, NUNDU... aww, she missed Spottykins..._

"Potta Hari." A deep voice said; quite calmly, considering the circumstances. She turned to see a tall, stocky man with a scarred face across the room. She hadn't the slightest clue who he was, but he practically _emanated_ power, and a wholly 'I will kill you and feel no guilt, because I feel nothing' vibe. Behind him, an old man stood, a pipe in his mouth and a hat on his head. He looked familiar, she had a feeling she had read about him in… a book… of some description…

Hari knew without glancing back that the shadow-lurking-mask-wearing-Spottykins-impersonator had gone back to his shadow lurking, so she swooped down, kicking her chair back into place and sitting with a serious expression.

"I don't know why I am here, but I would like to establish that any illegal activities I have partaken in have been well outside of the borders of Konoha." She said, raising a finger.

"Good to know." The scarred man deadpanned, pulling up a chair for himself and offering the other to the Hokage. She frowned thoughtfully.

"Wait... technically... well, if this is the _Alternate_ version of England, then... _technically_... no, I don't think that's how it works..."

They waited for her to finish her mumbling, as she tried to figure out whether this dimension was the alternate of England, and if so, did any of the crimes she had committed _there_ count _here?_

As her train of thought derailed and she fell into a thoughtful silence, the scarred man finally deemed the time right to speak.

"You seem very comfortable for someone in your position." He said in a gravelly voice.

Hari blinked at him. "…my position? _Oh,_ you mean the kidnapping!" She beamed. "Everyone's been too scared to kidnap me for _ages,_ so it's kinda nice, you know? What's that word… Eh, it'll come to me. Anyway, it just makes me think back to Voldemort and the Death Eaters- especially that bitch Bellatrix. I mean, I'm glad that they're dead, I really am, but they were just, the best at kidnapping me. And luring me into traps, they did that a lot. Nostalgic, that's the word!" She snapped her fingers. "I'm feeling nostalgic. I- I realise that I'm in a whole new place, more people are going to kidnap me, and it really is rude for me to be thinking about the Dark Lord when they kidnap me, but, it's, it's comforting, you know? Ugh, this isn't making much sense..."

She glanced over to Scar-face. He was completely expressionless as he stared at her.

"…shouldn't you be taking notes?" He blinked.

"What?"

"Y'know, writing this stuff down so that you can figure out how my brain works? And other stuff?"

A tiny flash of irritation _finally_ seeped through his blank mask. "Do you think I am your therapist?"

"You're better than a therapist!" Hari beamed. "You're _free!_ I get a mental examination, and all of my guilt cleared up for absolutely no charge! You're like, an angel of therapy… only really scary and with scars…" She trailed off, staring at him with a tiny frown, and inching her face towards his.

"Has anyone ever said you would make a simply _beautiful_ woman?" The old man tilted his head forward, so his face was entirely in shadow. Scar-face said absolutely nothing, but there was apathy, irritation, and… more irritation lined in his face.

"None in possession of their life."

"I think it's the cheekbones, they are absolutely gorgeous, I can't even _imagine_ what they would be like on a girl." She picked up his hand. "Your skin tone goes really well with your features too- hey, you've never considered a sex change operation, have you?"

Scar-face actually choked at that- somewhere in the shadows, it was only years of training that stopped a woman with a fan of lavender hair from collapsing with laughter.

"'Cause I can do that, no worries, no mess, no fuss!" She raised a hand and used a silent 'lumos' to make it glow.

"That will not be necessary." Scar-face said blankly, and Hari pouted, mouthing his words mockingly and shuffling down lower in the chair in a manner that was most definitely not sulky.

"Potta Hari, what are your intentions in interacting with Konoha's jinchuuriki?" The old man finally spoke up, his face still shadowed. She blinked, face blank.

"Jinchuuriki. Jin… chuuuuuuu…riii…ki… My reasons for interacting with the… jinchuuriki, are… uh…" she frowned. "…medical?"

"You don't have a clue what a jinchuuriki is, do you?"

"Not a single one." She clapped her hands happily.

"Uzumaki Naruto."

"My little otouto has jinchuuriki?!" She gasped. "It's not terminal is it?"

"Jinchuuriki is not a medical term." The old man said patiently.

"Crap..."

"Potta Hari, there are absolutely no records of you in any of the Hidden Villages previous to Naruto mentioning you to me, and you turning up at the academy. You somehow managed to trick Iruka-san, a qualified Chuunin into believing you were both qualified and had permission to observe the academy team, and you are in possession of abilities that we have absolutely no record of." The old man looked up, and his eyes flashed. "The only reason that you have not been thrown into T&I under suspicion of being an infiltrating spy is because a spy would be more discreet and _far_ smarter than you have been. So tell me, what is it that you want with the jinchuuriki?"

Hari blinked, even as the killing intent made small birds drop from the sky outside. "Sweetie, you keep saying jinchuuriki like I have a clue what that means. I really, _really_ don't. So maybe if you could enlighten me, we could move this... haranguing, forward." The signatures of the hidden ninja were tensed, ready to attack, and although his face was as blank as ever, Scar-face had a hand on his weapon pouch. The Old Man gave her a long, even look.

"The jinchuuriki are humans, each with a Tailed Beast sealed within them. They exhibit outstanding power and expanded chakra reserves because of this. Naruto is one of them."

Hari was frozen. When she finally moved, she licked her lips, looking at the two warily.

"You're saying that some _moron,"_ she hissed the word. "Has gone and stuck some monster into Naruto?"

"That-"

 _"_ _With or without his permission?"_ Her magic was beginning to manifest- her hair writhed around her face, and her eyes glowed a subtle green.

"The situation that was at hand, as well as Naruto's age-"

Wrong. Thing. To. Say. Everything went entirely still, and Hari's eyes fixed on the Old Man with all of the intensity of a lion watching an antelope.

"How old?" Her voice had lost the hissing quality entirely, becoming ever so soft, and ever so violent. The killing aura that manifested was thick and dangerous, and several of the hidden ninja were having trouble breathing. It was rather impressive, really, that Scar-Face was only tensed, and the Old Man stayed completely expressionless.

"There's more to it than you think." The Old Man said calmly.

"Then you had better start talking." She breathed.

He told her- the attack by the Kyuubi, the Yondaime Hokage's sacrifice of his live to seal it within Naruto, the villagers' prejudice, his relationship with the boy... anything that a ninja would know, but of _course_ it wasn't the full truth, no. He wouldn't show all of his cards, he wouldn't give up the knowledge till the game was at an end, and maybe not even then

Hari lay back in the chair, twirling a red lock of floating hair around her finger and gazing at them with eyes that held far too _much_ for any human to comprehend. She gave a bubbly smile that seemed so very out of place when compared with the otherworldly stare she had fixed them with.

"Well!" She said, her voice layered with cheer that wasn't false, but wasn't what anyone would dare to call real. "I can see why you wanted to make sure I wasn't a spy. Naruto is, after all, so _very_ special to you."

The Hokage's eyes narrowed. Her eyes glowed softly, seeming so far away, looking at something none of them could see.

"He was just a baby," She murmured. "But instead of the _adults_ taking care of it, they pinned all their hopes on a newborn child, and then, when he had saved them all, he was cast away and left to suffer in a place where he was hated just for existing- without even knowing _why_. And when he was old enough to be of use again, they plucked him back, trained him up so he could save them again, and acted like everything was fine, like there was nothing wrong with what he had suffered."

The Hokage was about to say something, _anything,_ when her voice became a whisper, and her hair began to sway.

 _"_ _Poor little thing, used abused, why didn't they listen? Why didn't they have any trust, why oh why are they so very, very stupid..."_ She crooned to herself, and the room began to _shake._ Hiruzen sat perfectly still, all too aware that every single ninja present was fully prepared to rush at this woman the moment he gave a signal.

That, he felt, would be a _very bad idea._

Hari blinked slowly, and for a moment, it seemed almost as if two forms were superimposed over the figures in front of her. To the left, stood Mad Eye Moody, his scowling face as scarred as ever. Grouchy, grumpy and prepared to sacrifice whatever the cost to do his duty. To the right, stood Albus Dumbledore, eyes twinkling at her sadly. Weary, jaded, an old man who pulled strings and pushed pawns, doing everything necessary to stop the puppet show from collapsing and the chessboard from crumbling.

 _Wind whipped her hair around her face, yelling screaming, flashing lights, twinkling stars and bitter cold, they were too high, where was Moody,_ _ **where was Moody-**_ _A bright blue eye on a door, how could she- HOW COULD SHE?!_ _ **THAT DISGUSTING WOMAN!**_ _Screaming, weeping, why couldn't she move, she had to help, he was falling, he was falling, why did he trust you,_ _ **he SHOULD NEVER HAVE TRUSTED YOU!**_

Welp, 'nother PTSD flashback, what could ya do?

With speed that came from years of practice, she shoved down her emotions, buried them under a pile of dirty laundry and jumped to her feet.

"And on that note, it's 'bout time that school's out, and it's important that I pick him up ASAP!" She skipped a few steps back. "This has been educational, feel free to kidnap me whenevs!"

She threw a wink and wriggled her fingers at the hidden ANBU that had, in fact, been the one to kidnap her, and disappeared with a pop.

-::-

"Heya!" She greeted cheerfully, eyes closed. There was a choking sound, and she blinked open her eyes. Naruto was switching between gaping at her, and someone behind her. His two teammates were harder to read- Tommy Junior was completely emotionless, and Adorable Blind Girl was biting her lip, looking deep in thought.

"Huh, why do feel like I just ruined the atmosphere?" She pondered, putting a finger to the corner of her lips. They didn't seem scared of her, so she was pretty sure she had locked all her emotional baggage down pretty tight.

"Potta Hari, I take it?" She blinked, and turned around. A man with a shock of light gray hair, a mask that covered the bottom half of his face, and a hitai-ate covering one of his eyes looked at her evenly. Hari blinked once. Twice. Three times. Then-

 _"_ _Whhhyyyyyyyyy?!"_ She wailed, sinking to the floor. All four of them looked on in abject confusion (Sasuke even _raised an_ _eyebrow!_ ) as the redhead rocked back and forth and sobbed. "Why does _everyone_ have gravity defying hair but _meeeeeee?!"_

They sweatdropped, looking pointedly at the locks of red hair that floated in the air as though she were underwater.

"...Genie-nee, you know that your hair is floating, right?"

She looked up, still depressed. "Yeah, and?" She floated into the air, poking at the masked mans hair mournfully.

"..."

Hari brightened suddenly. "Well, even if it is fluffy, it's nowhere near as silky as mine." She stroked a dark red lock lovingly. "So, can we wrap this up? We've got things to do, people to kill, demons to summon..."

Naruto turned to stone. "Y-you're joking, right, Genie-nee?"

Kakashi's eye just curved in amusement. "We're quite done, Genie-san."

Her eyes gleamed in a mix of mischief and delight, and she clapped her hands together. "Vundebar!" She zoomed towards Naruto. "Kay-kay, bye-bye, good luck with your bloody murder!" She tossed the last bit towards the broody one, before there was a 'pop', and both she and Naruto were gone.

Kakashi blinked, Hinata stared, wide eyed, and Sasuke gave the spot that they had been a lingering glare.

-::-

"Gya!" Naruto staggered away, collapsing on the newly-installed couch in his home and cradling his head. "What the hell even was that, dattebayo?!"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot how sucky apparition is when you're not used to it..." Hari gave him a sympathetic look, cupping her chin with a hand. "Still, we got stuff to do!"

Naruto gave her a wary look. "More training?" He cringed.

"No, no, no no, nonono," She waggled a finger at him. "You should only do intensive training every _second_ day, so that your muscles have time to heal, otherwise you can damage them." Hari paused thoughtfully, giving him a speculative look. "Wait, but with your rapid healing from the Kyuubi, that wouldn't apply to you..."

"What?"

"It's decided! Right after we meet the Kyuubi inside you, we're training again!"

Naruto stared at her in abstract shock and confusion. "...what?"

Hari froze, and chewed on her lip. She was going to have to approach this matter with utmost delicacy... "Gah! I don't know how to be delicate, and careful of people's _feelings!"_ She spat the word out like it tasted bad, yanking on n her hair in panic. "It's been, what, five hundred years since I've had to deal with that crap! Maybe _once_ I knew how to do this, but that was ages ago!" She flitted over to a very bewildered Naruto and gathered him up in her arms. _"Naruto!"_ She wailed. "I _really_ need to tell you something, because it's _super_ important, and you have a right to know, but I don't know how to tell you without you getting upset and hating me, and I don't want you to hate me, 'cause you're like my little brother, and there are so many similarities in our life I'm like, ninety nine percent sure you're this dimensions version of me, and I love you, and I have to tell you, but I don't want you to hate me, I love you, you're the first sibling I've ever had, and that's like a super big deal, 'cause you'd think I'd have had at least _one_ sibling in six hundred years, but _you're_ the first, and I don't want this to turn into a Scar-Mufasa sibling rivalry, with me being Mufasa, and you being Scar, even though I can't die, so you pushing me into a stampeding herd of wildebeest wouldn't really do much, but still!" She wailed, tears running down her face as she clung to Naruto.

"G-Genie-nee! P-please stop crying! I love you too, I love you too! I promise I don't hate you dattebayo!" He panicked, waving his hands around like a maniac.

Hari took a deep breath. "Okay." She sat down, yanking him down with her, and wrapping her arms around him like he was a teddy bear.

"Uh... Genie-nee?" He blinked.

"Sit, my little Gremlin. Kay, so twelve years ago, on October Tenth, the Kyuubi no Kitsune attacked. They couldn't kill it, 'cause it's an entity of pure chakra. So they sealed it away into you."

Naruto froze, completely tense in her arms. "...what?" He whispered.

"The Hokage who sealed it in you wanted people to consider you a hero, because blahby blah blah, he was kinda stupid." She poked her bottom lip out in consideration, nodding in agreement to herself. "Seeing as how everyone were acting complete assholes, the _current_ Hokage forbade them from talking 'bout it, but it didn't stop them from being dicks." She paused, resting her cheek on the top of Naruto's head, before frowning. Yeah, he was probably in emotional turmoil. _How to help?_

"Hey, if you want the Yondaime to suffer any more, I can totally dig up his soul and throw it in the damned pit of eternal torture and suffering, every day agony and every night horror." She offered comfortingly.

Naruto ignored the last bit. "D-did you know? W-who _else_ knew?!"

Ooookay, so the torture offer wasn't cheery enough. Weird, weren't kids supposed to be into that kinda thing? Well, it looked like she was going to have to be... sincere. She could do this, she was human too at one point, like, ages ago! She still had crippling flashbacks of it sometimes. So, dig up the emotions. Dig up the sincerity.

Hari took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself. Her arms tightened around Naruto, and she let her chin fall to rest in his birds nest of soft, bright yellow hair. "Naruto, I promise, I only learned about it today. No one in your class who's your age knows, like I said, there's a law that stops their parents from telling them about it."

Naruto was frozen, completely motionless in her arms.

"Naruto, my teacher told me something once, and it stuck with me." He said nothing, but she continued anyway. "He said, 'It is our choices, Hari, that show what we truly are, more than our abilities.' Naruto, Konoha is full of idiots, who do idiot things, and say idiot things, and they seem to have gotten it into their heads that you're the Kyuubi. You aren't." Hari shook her head, not entirely sure what the purpose of any of that had been. "And just to prove it to you, I'm going to take you to meet him."

Naruto finally moved at that, turning his head to look up at her in shock. Eye contact was all she needed, and she smiled as she said; "Big sis Hari's taking you on a trip to your mindscape~!"

And just like that, their vision went black, there was the most disorienting feeling Naruto had ever felt, and then they were no longer in the apartment.

-::-

 **I'm alive! Isn't it a miracle?! *cough* Ehem. I'm so sorry, okay, I feel like a horrible person...**

 **Thank you,** ** _SO_** ** _MUCH_** **to everyone who reviewed, because holy** ** _crap,_** **that was just- holy** ** _crap._** **I wish I could list you all, but that would take forever, and I get the feeling you want this thing up sooner rather than later...**

 **I changed my username! You are now reading the works of RadioactiveKittenCat; a fabulous username, if I do say so myself. Plus, I can still call myself Kitty!**

 **I love you all so** ** _FREAKING_** **much, and thank you** ** _SO_** **much for reading.**

 **Bye!**

 **RadioactiveKittenCat**

 ***Have gone over. Have edited. Sleepy. Eyes itchy. Why do we have no eyedrops? I want eyedrops!**


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